Publisher: Landor's Cottage
When Zeus takes roleplaying Gilligan’s Island too seriously, Cleo wants to kill him. Merlin convinces her that Zeus needs attention instead, so the Outcats decide to throw Zeus a party.
Meanwhile, Gabby suddenly becomes friendly and helpful, making the others suspicious.
Learn Zeus’s origin story.
And what new creatures try to breach the sanctity of the Outcats’ home?
(5000 words / 20.0 pp)
Available in pdf, mobi, and epub formats
Here’s what people are saying (I’m a people.):
“It’s like Seinfeld with cats. There’s no plot, just a bunch of random events and jokes.” – J. Kirby
“I’m allergic to cats and just reading this made my throat swell shut.” – John K.
“I’m confused. So can the humans understand them or not?” – J. Paul Kirby
“I keep getting migraines every time I read one of those stories. Is there some connection?” – John P. Kirby
“For some reason there seems to be an overabundance of ‘Escape from New York’ and ‘Gilligan’s Island’ references in the stories.” – JP Kirby
“I laughed so hard I think I gave myself a hernia.” – JPK
Here’s a little excerpt:
“Well, that didn’t turn out as planned!” Cleo said. She stamped about, pacing a circle in the open area behind the big couch.
Merlin stopped lapping the water at the fountains. “At least he stayed in character this time,” he reminded her. “And he was genuinely trying to find something to help repair the ship.”
“But that’s my point! I think he really believed we were trying to fix a ship to escape some South Pacific island.”
Oreo rounded the corner from the hallway and stopped to get a drink. “What’s up?”
Merlin said, “Cleo’s upset at Zeus for ruining play pretend earlier.”
Oreo blinked. “Ruined? But we had a huge six-way wrestling match afterwards.” Then she sang high, “Fun!”
“Five-on-one technically,” Merlin corrected. “And I feel a little guilty for ganging up on him like that. He’s had his share of trauma already.”
Bandit strolled over and started to drink from the other fountain. “Are we discussing bumbling, tumbling Gilligan’s shenanigans again? Hmm. Now, there’s a little tongue twister to trill about.” He trilled shrilly.
Cleo scrunched her face. “Yes! And it’s about time he’s been put in his place. Always misunderstanding, always getting stuck somewhere, always scared of something, always…” She ran out of ideas. “Always… Oh! Ugh!”
“Cleo,” Merlin soothed, “He’s had a rough life. And last week’s revelation to the newbies about his ‘issues’ didn’t help things any. I think it’s time we do something for him, help cheer him up, and let him know how we feel about him.”
Bandit mulled it over a moment. “Merlin’s got something there. I mean, what if all this recent stuff causes him to regress and he start having ‘issues’ all over again? The humans might just get rid of all of us.”
“Rough life?” Oreo asked. “There’s more?”
Merlin sighed. “This is completely confidential, guys. Zeus told me this years ago and swore me to secrecy. Before he came to live with Mommy and Daddy, he had been abused by his previous owner. He was only a kitten at the time. He wouldn’t give me any specifics, but I’m sure it was physical as well as psychological. Mommy adopted him from a shelter when he was only about six months old. He was very skittish then, but they just kept giving him love. And eventually he began to show love back.”
“Is that why he flinches so easily?” Bandit asked.
Merlin nodded silently.
Oreo and Bandit shook their heads sadly.
“Blasted humans!” Bandit spat.
“Poor Zeus. That’s just awful!” Oreo moaned. “It makes me feel a little guilty for staring at him and chasing him all the time.”
Cleo heaved an unsatisfied sigh. “Fine, so instead of killing him, I suppose we’re going to show him lots of – ick! – love.”
* * * * *
“Remember,” Merlin repeated, “It can’t be a surprise party. Nothing loud or overtly flashy that might scare him.”
Bandit and Oreo nodded. They held their meeting in the great hall beneath the dining table, secluded away from prying human eyes by a long tablecloth. Zeus had been sleeping on the cabinets above the coffee station in the kitchen almost fulltime lately. The others kept their voices low so he couldn’t overhear.
“But how is it a party if we can’t do anything that’s party-like?” Cleo asked.
“I don’t know, really,” Merlin mused. “We’ll figure it out along the way.”
Bandit trilled, “What if we track down that abusive human, bind him up, and deliver him with a big red bow, so Zeus can take his revenge?”
“Not likely that we could do that,” Merlin said. “But also, it’s not exactly appropriate or ethical, either.”
Bandit spat, “Bah! Humans! This is why I hate them so much!”
“They’re not all bad. My mommy loves me bunches!” Oreo said.
“Well my mommy dropped me like a hot rock when she could have fought to keep me!” Bandit retorted.
Cleo wandered away from the others and mindlessly played with a toy mouse as she lay under a dining chair on the other side of the table. “Why am I so listless? Something’s missing in my life.”
Merlin walked up to her and lay down beside her. “Maybe you haven’t had enough time drooling on Mommy.”
Cleo sighed. “No, I get plenty of time with Mommy.”
“Maybe you miss the old days when it was just the four of us?”
“Sometimes. But that’s not it,” Cleo said, idly playing with the mouse.
“Perhaps you need a better hair conditioner,” Merlin suggested facetiously.
Cleo nibbled the tail of the toy mouse. “Hardly. I have the best fur of the bunch.”
Merlin gave her somber look. “Or maybe you feel guilty about your treatment of Zeus?”
Cleo slapped the mouse out from under the table and into the living room where it slid under the big couch to be lost with many others. “No, I think I miss trying to take down Gabby. New and innovative ideas don’t crop up much lately.”
“Speaking of Gabby, where is she?” Bandit asked. “I haven’t seen much of her since she was Mr./Mrs. Howell.”
All of them turned to Oreo.
Oreo examined herself self-consciously. “What? Do I have something in my fur?”
They continued to stare. Oreo’s ears twitched. “Oh, right, just because I’m always staring at Gabby, then all of a sudden I’m supposed to know where she is at all times.”
“Well, you do, don’t you?” Bandit asked.
Oreo sighed. “She’s up in her hammock asleep. At least she was when we started our meeting. But most of the time she’s been staking out the laundry room.”
“The laundry room?” Merlin repeated.
“What could she possibly be doing in there?” Cleo added.
“Could she be…?” Bandit wondered.
Merlin thought hard for a moment. “No… She doesn’t even believe. She couldn’t be…”
“Mousing?” Cleo offered.
Meet the Outcats:
Cats of Character/Cast of Characters:
Cleopatra: AKA Cleo, Baby Girl. 3 years old. Female. Cream-colored longhair. Thick and fat barrel-shaped body. Considers herself to be the cutest and Top Cat. Despises Gabby. Loves her Mommy. Eats anything. Special bond: Merlin. Nemesis: Gabby, Oreo.
Merlin: AKA Merle, Mer-Mer, Merwin. 5 years old. Male. Solid black shorthair other than a few scattered white hairs. Thick body, bordering on fat. The voice of reason of the group. Eats almost any human food. Special bond: Cleo and Zeus. Nemesis: None.
Zeus: AKA Bunny, Little Buddy. 6 years old. Male. Orange and white shorthair, bicolor. Small, thin body. The only declawed cat. The most timid. Not the fuzziest ball of the group. Does not eat human food. Prefers water from the tap. Special bond: Merlin. Nemesis: Gabby, Oreo.
Gabriella: AKA Gabby, Gabby Girl. Ancient and possibly immortal. Female. Medium-length tortoiseshell (dark gray/black, brown and orange). Very large body, fat. Talks incessantly, mostly conspiracies. Crabby. Eats most human food, but loves raw eggs. Special bond: No one. Nemesis: Cats.
Bandit: AKA Bad Merlin (BM). One year old. Male. Solid black shorthair. Small, thin body. Full of energy. Trills instead of meowing. Loves other cats. Considers humans a necessary evil. Eats some human foods. Special bond: Oreo. Nemesis: Gabby, humans.
Oreo: AKA Chewie. Two years old. Female. White-pawed calico tabby, shorthair. Small, thick body. Shy and skittish but curious: follows cats and humans and stares. Enjoys shredding phone charging cords and strings. Special bond: Bandit. Nemesis: Gabby, Zeus, Cleo.
